(Image by Dan Winters)
I was on Cloud 9 when I met you.
It was incredible. Here we were in the stratosphere, so close your breath felt like a perfect breeze on my ear. I knew right then I was destined to fall for you.
It started slowly at first, but how quickly it accelerated. Physics states that [...] Read more »
“WHAT HELL HATH THOU WROUGHT?” asked Jebediah Zucherman as he stared at my new look.
“Is it really that bad?” I replied, splashing water on my newly bald upper lip.
“Well, let’s put it this way. You could be an extra in Witness. But hey, I hear the 90s are coming back into vogue, and if you’re [...] Read more »
I looked at her and said, “I hate to admit it, but I don’t think you’re woman enough for me.”
She smirked back. “Is that so?”
“No.” I shook my head. “You’re way out of my league. I am a study in passing competence. My expectations float slightly above Everest, cloaked in a misty dew that constantly [...] Read more »
Her Pinot Grigio bloomed red as particles from her lipstick washed into the glass.
“Marry me,” I said, my eyes diving toward my own glass in fear.
“I’m sorry?”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Say yes.”
“To marrying you?” I could see her hand shaking slightly as she set the glass on the table.
“Yes.” I lifted my head, meeting her [...] Read more »
Old King Cole, the big man of the kingdom, was a merry old soul. This, my friends, was a primary part of his entire essence, for yes, a merry old soul was he. Now, ordinarily, Old King Cole wasn’t necessarily a merry old soul. In fact, a while back, he was quite an regular soul [...] Read more »
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it [...] Read more »
Deep in the heart of Boulder, Ben sits at his desk typing an entry drunk. He’s just come from the Jeff Donenfeld going away party, for J.D. is moving to New York the next day. Our hero is desperately trying not to make any spelling or grammatical mistakes while typing, and wonders if he should’ve [...] Read more »
The Tale of the Suicidal Motherfuckin’ Bee
as narrated by Eddie Murphy
Once upon a time, there was a bee. His name was Harold. Harold had always been a hard worker. He would go out and collect pollen for the honey factory and come home to mate with the queen like a good drone does. He even [...] Read more »
HONG KONG PHOOEY WAS LIVID WITH RAGE, his fists pumping in unbridled anger.
“They can’t do this to you!” he yelled, his canine jaw moving so unnaturally as he spoke through clenched teeth. “They can’t treat you like that!”
“It’s just nature taking it’s course, HK,” I replied, rolling my eyes at his ire. “I mean, that’s [...] Read more »
I always thought elves were short and stout and wore fuzzy suits in insanely bright colors that hurt the eyes. Or maybe they’re tall and noble and spend the dawns and dusks prancing through dimly lit forests, leaping from branch to branch in praise of their woodland goddess. Or perhaps they’re lithe and wispy creatures [...] Read more »