“Does anyone have a buck I can borrow?” “Sure, I do,” I said, reaching for my wallet. “Don’t do it, man,” Harold interjected. “He’ll ask for a pound of flesh in return.” — Jew jokes are my bread and butter. Generally people know I’m a Jew within the first hour they know me, and they [...] Read more »
“I’ve drank two thirds of a twleve pack of Vault in the last three days!” I cried, my face contorting in a grimace. “It’s disgusting.” “Yeah, that’s pretty gross.” “And you know I rarely drink caffeine if I can help it. It’s killing me.” I hung my head. “I couldn’t fall asleep at all last [...] Read more »
“WHAT HELL HATH THOU WROUGHT?” asked Jebediah Zucherman as he stared at my new look. “Is it really that bad?” I replied, splashing water on my newly bald upper lip. “Well, let’s put it this way. You could be an extra in Witness. But hey, I hear the 90s are coming back into vogue, and [...] Read more »
An Ode to MacGyver There I stood, weak and weary, my smile askew, though slightly cheery, Carefully avoiding all the customers there in the store, In front of me, it sat their waiting, the challenge very much sedating, as the scale sat in parts spread across the storeroom floor. “What the fuck are all these [...] Read more »
I got into a minor car accident today. It wasn’t even my car. In fact, I don’t even have my own car anymore. is out of town, and she left her car with me. I feel really bad about the whole thing. But that’s not the amazing part. With all this ice and snow, accidents [...] Read more »
The moon was aglow by the time the phone woke me from my napping slumber. After my rude awaking that morning, I had crawled into bed early, worn out like a favorite teddy bear. “Yeah?” I asked, the phone glowing faintly in the dim light of my room. “Dude? Were you sleeping?” “Yeah. Who the [...] Read more »
In an effort to expand “brand recognition”, Google has announced that it’s going to enter the food industry so it can be a part of this complete breakfast as well as this complete internet. Google Cereal, which should be hitting shelves at a supermarket near you sometime next year, has already planned a major advertising [...] Read more »
Sometimes, even though I don’t need it anymore, I wear my retainer just so I can hear myself lisp. Read more »
Old King Cole, the big man of the kingdom, was a merry old soul. This, my friends, was a primary part of his entire essence, for yes, a merry old soul was he. Now, ordinarily, Old King Cole wasn’t necessarily a merry old soul. In fact, a while back, he was quite an regular soul [...] Read more »
I’d like to think that as I began my graceful glide the entire world slipped into slow motion. My wheels spun delicately upon the pavement, each tire whooshing with a deep baritone rotation as rubber planed across the thin ice. Passers-by blinked and turned their heads to watch as my headlight blinded them upon the [...] Read more »