Ed. Note - If I’m “he said,” then this is “she said.”
“So… I just got pulled over on Federal for a headlight out.”
“You ok?”
“Yeah,” Jen tells me, a nervousness underlying the laughter in her voice. “I mean, I’m still coming down, but we should hit a Wal-Mart or something.” I cringe at the name of [...] Read more »
My heart is racing. It thumps in sync with the seriously cheesy Rammstein music blasting on the stereo. Hey, don’t judge me. It happens to be what keeps me pumped up.
The mask itches. It makes me feel like Ralphie in his bunny suit from A Christmas Story, but I look more like a bank robber. [...] Read more »
The moon rises over the old city in Prague.
For more loony pictures of Prague, click here.
It’s the eyes. Glowering, slinking ever thinner, as if she wished she were Asian. I’ve been to Asia. she doesn’t want to be Asian.
“Mustard,” she snaps, her face contorted in the most hateful stare I’ve ever seen.
“What?” says [...] Read more »
The other day an older gentleman came into the department.
“Can I help you find anything?” I asked, the smile from the previous days events still flush on my face.
“I was wondering if you had the Robert Plant, Allison Krauss album,” the man replied, returning an equally happy smile.
“Normally we do,” I said, remembering our stock, [...] Read more »
“WHAT HELL HATH THOU WROUGHT?” asked Jebediah Zucherman as he stared at my new look.
“Is it really that bad?” I replied, splashing water on my newly bald upper lip.
“Well, let’s put it this way. You could be an extra in Witness. But hey, I hear the 90s are coming back into vogue, and if you’re [...] Read more »
A tragic comic is the only one laughing when he tells a joke. Read more »
Sometimes,
even though I don’t need it anymore,
I wear my retainer
just so I can hear myself lisp. Read more »
I’d like to think that as I began my graceful glide the entire world slipped into slow motion. My wheels spun delicately upon the pavement, each tire whooshing with a deep baritone rotation as rubber planed across the thin ice. Passers-by blinked and turned their heads to watch as my headlight blinded them upon the [...] Read more »
In the heat of the moment, she leaned in and kissed me. I could’ve sworn my heart skipped a beat.
Sadly, we were interrupted by my cell phone. It was my doctor. Apparently, my pacemaker was reporting a heart attack. Read more »
Last night, psychotik dragged me to a Cat-A-Tac show at the Larimer Lounge. She has a serious crush on Jim, the lead singer. Last week, I jokingly offered to hit on him to find out if he was taken for her, not expecting her to agree. Instead, she did. I’m still utterly amused by the [...] Read more »