(Image by Dan Winters)
I was on Cloud 9 when I met you.
It was incredible. Here we were in the stratosphere, so close your breath felt like a perfect breeze on my ear. I knew right then I was destined to fall for you.
It started slowly at first, but how quickly it accelerated. Physics states that [...] Read more »
“Have you seen the god damn ratings?” he screamed, his red power tie flailing as we cowered in our executive chairs. “The fucking Teletubbies are beating us! I don’t even know what a Boobah is!” Mack Herbovitz slammed his fist on the table, the small glasses of ice water rippling with the force of the [...] Read more »
I looked at her and said, “I hate to admit it, but I don’t think you’re woman enough for me.”
She smirked back. “Is that so?”
“No.” I shook my head. “You’re way out of my league. I am a study in passing competence. My expectations float slightly above Everest, cloaked in a misty dew that constantly [...] Read more »
Her Pinot Grigio bloomed red as particles from her lipstick washed into the glass.
“Marry me,” I said, my eyes diving toward my own glass in fear.
“I’m sorry?”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Say yes.”
“To marrying you?” I could see her hand shaking slightly as she set the glass on the table.
“Yes.” I lifted my head, meeting her [...] Read more »
“SON,” MY DAD SAID, “I THINK WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK.” I knew what was coming. He was going to tell me about women, sex, and all the things I had known about for years. He didn’t have the courage before… or maybe he just thought I was too young. Whatever the reason, I [...] Read more »
The wind rushed through my hair, slipping its long golden locks all over the place… no, wait, that was Fabio. I have short black hair. But still, the wind was rushing through as I zipped down the sidewalk homeward bound. Usually, I hit about 30 MPH pumping the peddles down Pearl street. I know because [...] Read more »
The Tale of the Suicidal Motherfuckin’ Bee
as narrated by Eddie Murphy
Once upon a time, there was a bee. His name was Harold. Harold had always been a hard worker. He would go out and collect pollen for the honey factory and come home to mate with the queen like a good drone does. He even [...] Read more »
HONG KONG PHOOEY WAS LIVID WITH RAGE, his fists pumping in unbridled anger.
“They can’t do this to you!” he yelled, his canine jaw moving so unnaturally as he spoke through clenched teeth. “They can’t treat you like that!”
“It’s just nature taking it’s course, HK,” I replied, rolling my eyes at his ire. “I mean, that’s [...] Read more »
THE SPAGEHETTI SAT STEAMING IN FRONT OF ME like a newly delivered calf in the cold morning air.
“But you don’t get paid for that. You don’t, do you?” I asked.
“No. The last time they offered, told them no because I was on unemployment and if they paid me, it stops,” said Thor. It’s sad [...] Read more »
The snow fell gently everywhere; thick like a soup, but dripping down like a strobe-lighted waterfall. I drove slowly, my mind focused on my lack of snow tires. Thor says you’re crazy to drive in winter around here without them. I disagree. I skidded around turns at 20 miles an hour and barely anyone was [...] Read more »