Worldwide Ace

The moon was aglow by the time the phone woke me from my napping slumber. After my rude awaking that morning, I had crawled into bed early, worn out like a favorite teddy bear.

“Yeah?” I asked, the phone glowing faintly in the dim light of my room.

“Dude? Were you sleeping?”

“Yeah. Who the fuck is this.”

“Dude, it’s your fucking birthday. I’m trashed as hell and we’re heading out to catch the fireworks. You’re coming.”

I don’t want to go to the fireworks. Now who is this?”

“It’s John, man. And I didn’t ask if you wanted to come. We’re outside waiting for you.”

In a puff of smoke, the little angel and devil appeared on my shoulder.

You really don’t want to let your friends down. They came all this way just for you, said the angel.

Fuck that. You’re tired. Plus they’re just a bunch of needy assholes anyway. It’s your fucking birthday. He said so himself, snapped the devil.

Don’t listen to that prick. He masturbates to S&M porn.

What the fuck! You said you wouldn’t tell anybody! That was between us!

“Dude,” I interrupted. “You’re a devil. What do you care?”

It’s the principle of the thing, muttered the devil angrily.

“Ben man. Get your sorry ass out here.” I heard them honk and smacked my demons away, grabbing the nearest pair of pants and stumbling towards the door.

Our seats for the show weren’t bad. We were crammed into the middle of a large crowd, a couple kids in few rows down bobbing excitedly at the prospect of large explosions of light scarring their retina for another year. Behind us sat a bunch of rowdy drunk frat boys, a couple skanky girls obviously along for the ride.

“Hey bra,” said one of the frat boys. “Why don’t you move to the back so I can see past the ferret on your head.”

“Dude, not cool,” said John as I slouched a little bit just to make the asshole feel better. “It’s a Jew fro. You gotta respect him representing his culture.” The group snickered, the asshole giving a big laugh.

“Right. Listen, bra, take your kike friend and beat it. You’re blocking my view and I don’t want to see ugly heebs tonight.” My jaw dropped a little, but I stayed looking forward and tried to ignore it. With a little puff, the angel and devil were back.

Kick his ass, Seabass!

He may deserve a beating, but he’ll get his comeuppance.

“I gotta go with the angel.”

Why? He’s just a goody little two shoes anyway. Plus, the douche totally deserves it.

“I just like the word ‘comeuppance’,” I lied. The angel smiled.

Fine. Be that way. But remember this moment. It’ll come back to haunt you, he warned as the two disappeared again.

“Dude!” said John, a couple of the asshole’s friends also showing an uneasiness.

“Let it be, John,” I said pretty loudly. “If the guy has an inferiority complex because my fro reminds him that he’s just another goy who’s too short to see over it, then let him be angry. Maybe he can get daddy to buy him some lifts for his birthday.” John snickered. I admit it wasn’t the greatest comeback, but it was sufficient.

John and I settled down to await the show. After a few minutes, I felt the asshole hit the back of my head. It wasn’t hard, but it felt… sticky. I turned and stared at him, his wide grin belying something more. “Nice hair, kike,” he said. I reached back to feel where he hit me. It was sticky with gum.

The devil reappeared, a twisted grin on his face. Told you. So you gonna kick his ass now?

“I was thinking about it. Where’s the angel?”

He went to ask the big guy you don’t believe in to hit that douche with a lightning bolt, but I think you might as well go for it.

I grabbed the asshole by the shoulder and dropped my head into his nose. The blood began flowing immediately as he crumpled to the ground, stunned and crying, his nose plainly broken. I stepped up and put my foot on his chest and screamed at the event staff, “I want to report a hate crime!”

Fucker, added the devil silently on my shoulder.

As the fireworks began, I couldn’t keep my eyes on the sky. I was too busy watching the police car pull away, the frat dick in back. They said I was free and clear, that it was simply defense, and warranted at that. Even the bastard’s friends were on my side at that point.

When I got home, I shaved my head. Good bye Jew fro. I hardly knew ye.