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Worldwide Ace » Anti-Semitism Is Alive And Well And Living In Boulder

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Anti-Semitism Is Alive And Well And Living In Boulder

6 July, 2007 (01:49) | Growing Up

The moon was aglow by the time the phone woke me from my napping slumber. After my rude awaking that morning, I had crawled into bed early, worn out like a favorite teddy bear.

“Yeah?” I asked, the phone glowing faintly in the dim light of my room.

“Dude? Were you sleeping?”

“Yeah. Who the fuck is this.”

“Dude, it’s your fucking birthday. I’m trashed as hell and we’re heading out to catch the fireworks. You’re coming.”

I don’t want to go to the fireworks. Now who is this?”

“It’s John, man. And I didn’t ask if you wanted to come. We’re outside waiting for you.”

In a puff of smoke, the little angel and devil appeared on my shoulder.

You really don’t want to let your friends down. They came all this way just for you, said the angel.

Fuck that. You’re tired. Plus they’re just a bunch of needy assholes anyway. It’s your fucking birthday. He said so himself, snapped the devil.

Don’t listen to that prick. He masturbates to S&M porn.

What the fuck! You said you wouldn’t tell anybody! That was between us!

“Dude,” I interrupted. “You’re a devil. What do you care?”

It’s the principle of the thing, muttered the devil angrily.

“Ben man. Get your sorry ass out here.” I heard them honk and smacked my demons away, grabbing the nearest pair of pants and stumbling towards the door.


Our seats for the show weren’t bad. We were crammed into the middle of a large crowd, a couple kids in few rows down bobbing excitedly at the prospect of large explosions of light scarring their retina for another year. Behind us sat a bunch of rowdy drunk frat boys, a couple skanky girls obviously along for the ride.

“Hey bra,” said one of the frat boys. “Why don’t you move to the back so I can see past the ferret on your head.”

“Dude, not cool,” said John as I slouched a little bit just to make the asshole feel better. “It’s a Jew fro. You gotta respect him representing his culture.” The group snickered, the asshole giving a big laugh.

“Right. Listen, bra, take your kike friend and beat it. You’re blocking my view and I don’t want to see ugly heebs tonight.” My jaw dropped a little, but I stayed looking forward and tried to ignore it. With a little puff, the angel and devil were back.

Kick his ass, Seabass!

He may deserve a beating, but he’ll get his comeuppance.

“I gotta go with the angel.”

Why? He’s just a goody little two shoes anyway. Plus, the douche totally deserves it.

“I just like the word ‘comeuppance’,” I lied. The angel smiled.

Fine. Be that way. But remember this moment. It’ll come back to haunt you, he warned as the two disappeared again.

“Dude!” said John, a couple of the asshole’s friends also showing an uneasiness.

“Let it be, John,” I said pretty loudly. “If the guy has an inferiority complex because my fro reminds him that he’s just another goy who’s too short to see over it, then let him be angry. Maybe he can get daddy to buy him some lifts for his birthday.” John snickered. I admit it wasn’t the greatest comeback, but it was sufficient.

John and I settled down to await the show. After a few minutes, I felt the asshole hit the back of my head. It wasn’t hard, but it felt… sticky. I turned and stared at him, his wide grin belying something more. “Nice hair, kike,” he said. I reached back to feel where he hit me. It was sticky with gum.

The devil reappeared, a twisted grin on his face. Told you. So you gonna kick his ass now?

“I was thinking about it. Where’s the angel?”

He went to ask the big guy you don’t believe in to hit that douche with a lightning bolt, but I think you might as well go for it.

I grabbed the asshole by the shoulder and dropped my head into his nose. The blood began flowing immediately as he crumpled to the ground, stunned and crying, his nose plainly broken. I stepped up and put my foot on his chest and screamed at the event staff, “I want to report a hate crime!”

Fucker, added the devil silently on my shoulder.


As the fireworks began, I couldn’t keep my eyes on the sky. I was too busy watching the police car pull away, the frat dick in back. They said I was free and clear, that it was simply defense, and warranted at that. Even the bastard’s friends were on my side at that point.

When I got home, I shaved my head. Good bye Jew fro. I hardly knew ye.

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  • happy berfday!

    no froless pics?

  • happy berfday!

    no froless pics?

  • did you really headbutt him?

    what the fuck, i can’t believe there are actually still assholes who talk like that. whatthefuck.

  • did you really headbutt him?

    what the fuck, i can’t believe there are actually still assholes who talk like that. whatthefuck.

  • In an amazing example of synchronicity my gum in the hair incident revolved, in part, around my being too short.

  • In an amazing example of synchronicity my gum in the hair incident revolved, in part, around my being too short.

  • holy shit that was the best story ever! makes me want to beat the shit out of something!

    but damn, i didn’t think people actually talked like that outside of bad movies. that blows my fucking mind.

    it makes me sad that the DeFro is gone. sadder still that it is gone because of some saprophyte asshole.

  • holy shit that was the best story ever! makes me want to beat the shit out of something!

    but damn, i didn’t think people actually talked like that outside of bad movies. that blows my fucking mind.

    it makes me sad that the DeFro is gone. sadder still that it is gone because of some saprophyte asshole.

  • Holy guacamole, Batman! That is some crazy s***! What did his companions do afterwards? Did they disavow knowing the guy? What did the cops say? Did the arrest take long? Did you get to see the rest of the show?

  • Holy guacamole, Batman! That is some crazy s***! What did his companions do afterwards? Did they disavow knowing the guy? What did the cops say? Did the arrest take long? Did you get to see the rest of the show?

  • Most of his friends kept to themselves. A couple of them left. One or two told me sorry and that I was in the good.

    The police said I should press charges and that he would likely face at least a little jail time. When I told them I didn’t want to and didn’t really care at this point, they said they were going to lock him up for the night to sober up and if I changed my mind, I could come in and press charges in the morning.

    I did get to see the rest of the show, but I don’t care for fireworks, so I didn’t really pay attention anyway.

  • Most of his friends kept to themselves. A couple of them left. One or two told me sorry and that I was in the good.

    The police said I should press charges and that he would likely face at least a little jail time. When I told them I didn’t want to and didn’t really care at this point, they said they were going to lock him up for the night to sober up and if I changed my mind, I could come in and press charges in the morning.

    I did get to see the rest of the show, but I don’t care for fireworks, so I didn’t really pay attention anyway.

  • Yes, I did. I have a scratch on my face where he got a hand up to prove it. I considered just punching him, but I’m not that fast and it would’ve allowed a better opportunity for a counter attack. With me grabbing him and pulling him close, there was no chance of avoiding it.

  • I thought about it, but I look so pissed off without the fro.

  • Do tell.

  • Yes, I did. I have a scratch on my face where he got a hand up to prove it. I considered just punching him, but I’m not that fast and it would’ve allowed a better opportunity for a counter attack. With me grabbing him and pulling him close, there was no chance of avoiding it.

  • I thought about it, but I look so pissed off without the fro.

  • Do tell.

  • Listen, big words man. I don’t know what sort of shit you’re trying to pull referencing Sapho, but it ain’t working.

  • Listen, big words man. I don’t know what sort of shit you’re trying to pull referencing Sapho, but it ain’t working.

  • Those fuckers! I would done the same thing.

  • Those fuckers! I would done the same thing.

  • Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. It’s scary how just when you think that everything is okay, something like that comes around and really makes you evaluate. I often think that I am a “safe minority” because no one can SEE that I am Jewish. But it’s often much more complicated than that.

  • Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. It’s scary how just when you think that everything is okay, something like that comes around and really makes you evaluate. I often think that I am a “safe minority” because no one can SEE that I am Jewish. But it’s often much more complicated than that.

  • Don’t be sorry. Idiots won’t learn their lesson if they’re never given the chance to get arrested and have their nose broken.

  • Don’t be sorry. Idiots won’t learn their lesson if they’re never given the chance to get arrested and have their nose broken.

  • Right on.

  • Right on.

  • Well… I’m still sorry that happened to you.

  • Well… I’m still sorry that happened to you.

  • I don’t know how I missed this post. Sara told me about it. So you seriously shaved the jew fro just because of some frat dick?

  • I don’t know how I missed this post. Sara told me about it. So you seriously shaved the jew fro just because of some frat dick?

  • I shaved the fro because of the mass of gum in my hair.

  • I shaved the fro because of the mass of gum in my hair.

  • And, happy birthday, BTW.

  • And, happy birthday, BTW.

  • anonymous
  • anonymous
  • Now that you know my people’s secret, I’m going to have to kill you. You won’t see it coming, and you won’t know when, but I warn you, it won’t be kosher.

  • Now that you know my people’s secret, I’m going to have to kill you. You won’t see it coming, and you won’t know when, but I warn you, it won’t be kosher.