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Worldwide Ace » Britney Bares Bouncing Baby Boy

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Britney Bares Bouncing Baby Boy

15 September, 2005 (00:18) | Creativity

Despite the fact that I’m not really a news person anymore, US Magazine sent me a copy of their brand new issue about Britney’s new baby. Don’t ask me why. I did, however, find these gems in the article:

  • Anonymous sources say he will be named, “Dylan Pickle Spears.” Britney was asking about the irony of the name and aptly said, “Well, [Federline] and me felt we should commiserate the things we have in common, like a love of Bob Dylan and pickles.” Federline, whose other two kids ( Kori, 3, and Kaleb, 1, with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson), added, “We would’ve chosen a name that started with a K, but our publicist told us that having KKK as our kids was a bad idea.”
  • Well-known celebrity analyst Joan Rivers commented, “a name like Dylan helps move the Spears family away from their white trash roots.”
  • Dylan Pickle Spears is already experiencing many of the customs passed down from both sides of the family. Despite their doctor’s recommendations, Federline assisted his newborn son in shotgunning a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Spears did object to the practice, saying, “giving are boy a Pabst at this age is wrong. He should’ve had a Milwaukee’s Best.”
  • The entire Spears family is congregating at Britney’s palatial mansion in Beverly Hills. So many of her family members have arrived that the driveway is already full of trailers and spilling out onto the road in front, upsetting several neighbors. Robin Williams complained, “I understand the unveiling ceremony is a big deal, but she could at least have the courtesy to have some of her family park their homes on her tennis courts.” Spears is anxious to introduce Dylan Pickle to the world and has invited press and fans to join her tomorrow by her home. When asked about the ceremony, Spears said, “I’ve spent months working hard on this baby. Now it’s up to the public to make sure it goes gold. I’m just going to have to sit back and wait before starting the Dylan Pickle Spears Tour.”
  • Doctors state that Dylan Pickle Spears is pretty much a normal healthy baby. There is, however, one genetic disorder, according to Dr. Brian Allsaice. “Unfortunately, Britney passed on a debilitating congenital disorder: tone deafness.” Dr. Allsaice, who assisted in the delivery, calls the disorder unfortunate, but not life threatening. “If Britney can overcome it and have successful career, a mule could. That’s good news for little Dylan.”
  • Fans are excited for the birth episode of Spears and Federline’s UPN reality show “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic,” which has already promised 10 completely uninterrupted minutes of Federline zooming and out on the placenta. UPN CEO Dean Valentine said, “it may not be good TV, but who cares? We’re UPN! Nobody watches us anyway.”
US Magazine’s Cover Story.

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  • That boy is going to be sooooooo fucked-up. I mean, you don’t recover from being Britney’s kid. There’s no cure for that yet.

  • That boy is going to be sooooooo fucked-up. I mean, you don’t recover from being Britney’s kid. There’s no cure for that yet.

  • Okay, and now that I’ve actually read that – HA.

    And is it sad that I actually believed it for a second? That I believed Mr. and Mrs. Skanky Trash would name their child Dyl Pickle Spears? And what’s more, that I inititially figured Brit wanted to make a Rugrats reference?

  • Okay, and now that I’ve actually read that – HA.

    And is it sad that I actually believed it for a second? That I believed Mr. and Mrs. Skanky Trash would name their child Dyl Pickle Spears? And what’s more, that I inititially figured Brit wanted to make a Rugrats reference?

  • Not that sad. Despite the somewhat obvious content, it was at least written with solid journalistic style.

    And everyone knows that Btiney is more a Spongebob Squarepants fan than a Rugrats fan…

  • Not that sad. Despite the somewhat obvious content, it was at least written with solid journalistic style.

    And everyone knows that Btiney is more a Spongebob Squarepants fan than a Rugrats fan…

  • Holy shit, is that stuff true?

    I can’t believe people give their kids STUPID, STUPID names like that. Dylan isn’t bad. But Pickle? DEAR GOD, PEOPLE.

  • Holy shit, is that stuff true?

    I can’t believe people give their kids STUPID, STUPID names like that. Dylan isn’t bad. But Pickle? DEAR GOD, PEOPLE.

  • Not, I made it all up. Well most of it. Ok, fine, all of it.

  • Not, I made it all up. Well most of it. Ok, fine, all of it.