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Worldwide Ace » What if dogs were some of us?

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What if dogs were some of us?

30 April, 2005 (11:31) | Random

More and more, I’m finding that my creative juices are better used when other people inspire me. For instance, I just adapted Joan Osborne’s One of Us to be about cell phones in a thread about a nun on a cell phone in the <a href=”http://metaquotes.livejournal.com/”>metaquotes</a> community.

Phones For All of Us
(Sung to the tune of “One of Us” by Joan Osborne)

If nuns had a phone, would it be mobile?
And would it get free days
like night and weekend plans,
and no roaming charges
even deep within the heart of Guatamala.

And yeah, yeah. Cells are so great.
Yeah, yeah. They’ve got good nodes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
What if nuns had cellular?
Would reception be stellar?
Would their plan be Cingular?
And would they get a free phone?

If priests had a phone, would they have Nextel
with free long distance calls?
And would they program in
the number for God
on their speed dial? Perhaps as number one.

And yeah, yeah. Cells are so great.
Yeah, yeah. They’ve got good nodes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
What if priests had cellular?
Would reception be stellar?
Would their plan be Cingular?
Would they get a free phone?
Not just some Mottorolla clone
that fails at the dial tone,
they have to buy or lease to own.
I mean a really nice free phone,
that had voicemail for home,
and for Pope Benny back in Rome.

Commercial Success

So the other day, I was watching TV and we accidentally turned on the subtitles. Feeling lazy, I decided not to turn them off. When the commercials came on, I noticed they don’t even subtitle the words anymore. The subtitles said things like “[BIG EXPLOSION TOP LEFT]” and “[♪♪…♪♪].” What the fuck is with that? I think people know there’s music and can see explosions and where on the screen it is. When they say “[TOP LEFT]” is that so the blind people can read what part of the screen it’s on?

Regardless, in honor of this face, the remainder of my week and the sum of the last two days will be posted completely in commercial subtitles:

[EYE RUBBING, TIREDNESS]
[TYPING SOUNDS]

[BINK BINK, BONK, BOOP]

[TYPING SOUNDS]

[♪♪…♪♪]

[♪♪…SNORING…♪♪]

[RUNNING WATER]

[RUSTLING CLOTHES TOP LEFT]

[ENGINE SOUNDS]

[BRAKE SOUNDS RIGHT SIDE]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[BLAH… BLAH]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[SPLASHING ALL AROUND]

[SNOW FALLING]

[SHOVELING SOUNDS FRONT DIAGONALLY PERPENDICULAR]

[DOOR SLAM]

[TYPING SOUNDS]

[FAP, FAP, FAP]

[SIGHS OF RELIEF]

[RUMBLING TUMMY FORWARD LATERAL REVERSE BEHIND]

[RINGING PHONE]

[DOORBELL]

[SOUNDS OF EATING INTERDIMENSIONALLY THROUGHOUT]

[TOILET FLUSH]

[TYPING SOUNDS BACK CORNER]

[♪♪…♪♪]

[♪♪…SNORING…♪♪]

[RUNNING WATER]

[SHIVERING, TEETH CHATTERING]

[ENGINE SOUNDS]

[RUSTLING PAPER TOP CEILING]

[PENCIL SCRATCHING]

[DOOR SLAM]

[TYPING SOUNDS]

THE END

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  • the song…is awesome.

  • the song…is awesome.

  • I enjoyed that… I think you should subtitle all your entries.

    How does one “eat interdimensionally”?

  • I enjoyed that… I think you should subtitle all your entries.

    How does one “eat interdimensionally”?

  • Does it still snow over there?

  • Does it still snow over there?

  • Very carefully. First, you swallow a Bag of Eternal Consumption, which holds it’s own dimensional drawer. Then you eat.

  • Very carefully. First, you swallow a Bag of Eternal Consumption, which holds it’s own dimensional drawer. Then you eat.

  • It snowed two feet in the last 3 days. It’s snowing right now. That’s why we’re Barbecuing!

  • It snowed two feet in the last 3 days. It’s snowing right now. That’s why we’re Barbecuing!

  • Stupida;sh;asfsnow.

    Bah.

  • Stupida;sh;asfsnow.

    Bah.

  • as a relay person, i know people who are in school to become closed captioners for tv. if you want i can ask them why they would say “top right” for the explosion.

    i found this amusing.

    [FAP FAP FAP]
    [SIGHS OF RELIEF]

  • as a relay person, i know people who are in school to become closed captioners for tv. if you want i can ask them why they would say “top right” for the explosion.

    i found this amusing.

    [FAP FAP FAP]
    [SIGHS OF RELIEF]

  • Glad I was able to amuse.

    Please do ask. I’m intrigued.

  • Glad I was able to amuse.

    Please do ask. I’m intrigued.

  • Now I have that song stuck in my head…..

  • Now I have that song stuck in my head…..

  • Yes, but it’s SO good!

  • Yes, but it’s SO good!

  • Hehe, Fair thought it was Weird Al at first. You should copywrite it.

  • Hehe, Fair thought it was Weird Al at first. You should copywrite it.

  • All works are technically copywritten the moment they’re created under US law. All you have to do to defend the copywrite is hire a lwayer and file the proper paperwork.

  • All works are technically copywritten the moment they’re created under US law. All you have to do to defend the copywrite is hire a lwayer and file the proper paperwork.

  • Hmmm it`s around 17 c over here and I have a hot-chocolate craving. Maybe we switched bodies.

  • Hmmm it`s around 17 c over here and I have a hot-chocolate craving. Maybe we switched bodies.

  • I actually thought the law went something like that. Anyway. You’re now a very clever man in the eyes of my sister. (Et dans mes yeux, aussi, bien sûr. Mais, c’était comme ça depuis longtemps.)

  • I actually thought the law went something like that. Anyway. You’re now a very clever man in the eyes of my sister. (Et dans mes yeux, aussi, bien sûr. Mais, c’était comme ça depuis longtemps.)

  • damn. that’s fucked up. and i thought we were having late snow when it snowed a month ago.

  • damn. that’s fucked up. and i thought we were having late snow when it snowed a month ago.

  • Meh. I like my version better.

  • Meh. I like my version better.

  • [FAP, FAP, FAP]

    [SIGHS OF RELIEF]

    And just what was this captioning, pray tell? ;o)

  • [FAP, FAP, FAP]

    [SIGHS OF RELIEF]

    And just what was this captioning, pray tell? ;o)

  • [STERN FACE]

    [PAPERS RUSTLING]

    [GENTLEMAN LEAVES PODIUM WITH ANGRY GRUNT]

  • [STERN FACE]

    [PAPERS RUSTLING]

    [GENTLEMAN LEAVES PODIUM WITH ANGRY GRUNT]

  • [SNOW FALLING]

    …. what the hell kind of noise is that? I don’t think I’ve ever HEARD snow fall (and yes, I’m in Florida now, but I did live in Minnesota till I was 14). I’ve heard wind howl while snow fell, but… seriously… snow fall noise? I guess I really NEED those captions.

  • [SNOW FALLING]

    …. what the hell kind of noise is that? I don’t think I’ve ever HEARD snow fall (and yes, I’m in Florida now, but I did live in Minnesota till I was 14). I’ve heard wind howl while snow fell, but… seriously… snow fall noise? I guess I really NEED those captions.

  • It was actually a large chunk of snow falling off my roof outside my window.

  • It was actually a large chunk of snow falling off my roof outside my window.

  • Are you sure that was an ANGRY grunt? ;o)

  • Are you sure that was an ANGRY grunt? ;o)

  • No, it may very well have been EMBARRASSED.

  • No, it may very well have been EMBARRASSED.

  • Aha. ;o)

    Anyway, no need to be embarrassed. Like we don’t all do it on occasion. *sheesh*

  • Aha. ;o)

    Anyway, no need to be embarrassed. Like we don’t all do it on occasion. *sheesh*