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Worldwide Ace » Ten Commandments for Librarians

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Ten Commandments for Librarians

22 April, 2005 (23:46) | Random

In the beginning there was illiteracy. And then, there was THE WORD. And then there was a snake. And there, if we skip ahead a bit, there was the ONE TRUE BOOK.

What people don’t realize is that God gave librarians 10 commandments too. They were featured in the old testament book of Letters, but this was lost among the stacks since it was before the Dewey Decimal System and far before the Library of Congress filing system. It was written in Letters 20:

“God spoke all these words, saying: This is THE BOOK of the Lord thy God, in which you read about Egypt and slavery. Do not have any other books before IT. Do not represent other books by any woodcut print or xerox of anything in the library above, on the newsstand below, or in the recycle bin below the office building. Do not bow down to false books such as romance novels by Daniella Steele. This is THE BOOK of God your Lord, a God who demands exclusive readership and distribution rights, much like Oprah. Where My enemies (Harper-Collins, News Corp, Tim-Warner, et al) are concerned, I keep in mind the sin of the printers for [their] audience, to the third and fourth [generation]. But for those who love IT and keep ITs bindings oiled and crisp, I publish pamphlets for thousands [of sinners who need comic book versions of IT]. Do not sound loudly in the hallowed halls of the Library. Shhhhh. God will not allow the one who eats potato chips whilst other are reading the ONE TRUE BOOK to go unpunished. Remember the Gutenberg printing press and keep it holy. You can print in red, blue and even pink ink. But the press must be a Gutenberg. Do not mistake this for Steve Guttenberg, for his movies were shit. [This includes] 3 Men and a Baby, 3 Men and a Little Lady, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Cocoon: The Return, Short Circuit, Amazon Women From the Moon, and Diner. It was during this period that man forsook the ONE TRUE BOOK, and turned away from God. God therefore blessed the Guttenberg printing press and made it holy. He also caused Steve Guttenberg’s career to tank. Honor your library card and due dates. You will then read long on the words that God your Lord is giving you. Do not read other books. Do not write other books. Do not write Jesus/Judas slash. Do not write angry letters to the editor for he is God your Lord. Do not sort the ONE TRUE BOOK by author, illustrator, translator or editor. Do not be envious of your neighbor’s translation, his magazines, his illustrated bible, his original first edition of Uncle Tom’s Cabin, his Michael Moore books, or anything else that is your neighbor’s.”

Now, as you can see from this Libriblical passage, there are ten commandments for librarians too. This can be summed up in this oft repeated phrase:

There is only one book and Gutenberg is its printer.

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  • I’m a stalker. Well, not yet. I found you randomly and wanted to say that your icon… Cake… I am in love. Good day to you.

  • I’m a stalker. Well, not yet. I found you randomly and wanted to say that your icon… Cake… I am in love. Good day to you.

  • I’d also like to add that I am enamoured with the word enamoured as well.

  • I’d also like to add that I am enamoured with the word enamoured as well.

  • I’m somewhat obsessed with Cake. Been a “fan” since age 6, when I saw them in downtown Sacramento. 12 years later… Cake icons… ahhh <3. Where are you from?

  • I’m somewhat obsessed with Cake. Been a “fan” since age 6, when I saw them in downtown Sacramento. 12 years later… Cake icons… ahhh <3. Where are you from?

  • Boston, though I’m at CU for school in Boulder, CO. I only got to see Cake live twice (both free concerts by the Charles River), but they remain one of my favourite bands.

  • Boston, though I’m at CU for school in Boulder, CO. I only got to see Cake live twice (both free concerts by the Charles River), but they remain one of my favourite bands.

  • It almost makes me sad that only a few months ago I would have been curious about Jesus/Judas (OMG OTP). Thank you Livejournal, for making this no longer the case.

  • It almost makes me sad that only a few months ago I would have been curious about Jesus/Judas (OMG OTP). Thank you Livejournal, for making this no longer the case.

  • Thank you. I’m quite enamoured with it myself. If you wish to steal, feel free.

  • Thank you. I’m quite enamoured with it myself. If you wish to steal, feel free.

  • you are such a silly buns.

  • you are such a silly buns.

  • Have I mentioned that slash creeps me out. Hell, fanfiction in general creeps me out, though only when it’s serious, which it is all too often.

  • Have I mentioned that slash creeps me out. Hell, fanfiction in general creeps me out, though only when it’s serious, which it is all too often.

  • love the guttenberg bit. man, that guy was awful. but dude! you can’t knock number johnny five!

  • love the guttenberg bit. man, that guy was awful. but dude! you can’t knock number johnny five!

  • Hey, I liked Short Circuit, Diner and all the Police Academys he was in. This is God’s word, not mine.

  • Hey, I liked Short Circuit, Diner and all the Police Academys he was in. This is God’s word, not mine.

  • to be honest, it’s been so long since i’ve seen that movie that i didn’t even remember steve guttenberg being in it. as for the movies i do remember, i’m with gad. (yes, i call him “gad.” ditka… da bears!)

  • to be honest, it’s been so long since i’ve seen that movie that i didn’t even remember steve guttenberg being in it. as for the movies i do remember, i’m with gad. (yes, i call him “gad.” ditka… da bears!)