Things To Do While Held at Gunpoint
- Don’t Panic! It just doesn’t make any sense to panic. I mean, think about it: If you scream, he may shoot you to shut you up. If you you cry, he may shoot you to shut you up. If you flail, he may shoot you to make you stop. If you run, he may shoot you to keep you from getting away. Meanwhile, if you don’t panic, at least you know that when he shoots you, it was nothing personal.
- Show no fear. Dogs can smell fear. Luckily for you, people with guns can’t. Not showing fear is a good idea because if they know you’re afraid, they’ll start threatening you more than they were before. Of course, this maneuver could backfire, pissing them off, and obviously you’re at the disadvantage, being at gunpoint and all. Speaking of…
- Get a gun of your own. There’s nothing like equalizing the game. If you’re at gunpoint and suddenly, the person holding you at gunpoint is at gunpoint is at gunpoint as well, you’ve got a Mexican standoff. And everyone know quesadillas are tasty. The best possible place to get a gun while at gunpoint is from your assailant. By doing so, they are no longer holding you at gunpoint and instead are at gunpoint themselves.
- Talk it out. “Did you eat paint chips as a kid?” and “It’s ok, you can tell me who touched you in bad ways when you were a child,” are not good ways to talk down someone holding you at gunpoint. Try empathizing, and if that doesn’t work, sympathize and call it close enough. Remember, not even gun-totting psychos can resist being belittled in a clinical way by unlicensed wanna-be therapists with a vested interest in the situation.
- Preemptively hold posisble assailants at gunpoint. Some people claim it’s tough to tell who might be your assailant-to-be, but I think it’s relatively easy if you follow the following criteria:Does he/she look big and menacing? This is an indication that this person has been through rehab and is likely not a threat. Does he/she buy from Starbucks? High doses of caffeine can cause aggressive behavior. Definitely consider coffee drinkers dangerous. Is he/she Catholic? Catholics are a dangerous bunch because they believe God will forgive anything as long as you pay the priest enough. Is he/she white? White people are generally high strung and protective of their wealth, be it Wall Street or a trailer park, and therefore are more likely to be packing. Also, remember that people with pig tails are dangerous and can’t be trusted. Same with people who own little dogs.
- Tell a joke. Everybody loves jokes, even homicidal paranoiacs. Plus, if you’re a talented comedian, the person holding you at gunpoint may laugh hard enough that you can Get a gun of your own from him. Either way, showing some talent at comedy is a life saving techinque approved by fat kids everywhere.
- Play Eye Spy. If your gun-totting madman looks for what you’re spying, you may have a chance to wrest the pistola from him. If not, at least you won’t be bored.
- Offer your assailant coffee. And by coffee, I mean sexual favors. If your assailant is female, this tactics likely won’t work so well, seeing as the female of the species is more deadly than the male according to the band Space, quoting Rudyard Kipling. Of course, for male assailants, just pretend he’s got a lincoln log and you’re a 5 year old with an oral fixation. Just remember not to bite or your stay of execution might be removed rather quickly.
By following these helpful hints, you too can have a grand old time while being held at gunpoint.