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Worldwide Ace » My God, Man! Take Yourself In Hand!

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My God, Man! Take Yourself In Hand!

24 June, 2004 (20:21) | Women

WARNING: The following section contains graphic nudity, adult themes, sexual situations, and in depth discussion of masturbation, pornography, and my personal sexual habits. For those of you who don’t want to see what’s contained herein, but are still interested in why I’m discussing these topics, I’m not really sure. I guess there are many kinds of urges men like me have to deal with. I highly recommend you consider this warning before continuing.

I have the unfortunate situation that my computer, and therefore my link to pornography, is in my living room. My room is by far too small to contain my desk and my bed, making keeping it in a public space a necessity. Sure, I could buy magazines and place them strategically throughout the house, but I’m not a magazine kind of guy anymore. When I had a subscription to Playboy, I actually read the articles when I was done with the pictures. The vast majority of magazines are just too raunchy for my tastes. I mean, I have no problem with specialized magazines like BDSM style ones, but I’ll touch on that later. Back to the computer in the living room. Obviously, I don’t want my roommate to come upstairs for a drink of water and walk past me while masturbating. Quite frankly, it’s embarrassing.

I’ve been caught before. I’m nearly definite that during my tour of duty at boarding school someone at least had suspicions, especially when I was doing it with my roommate sleeping in the bunk above me or across the room. My mother walked in on me when I was completely naked, watching a porn and masturbating. I collapsed to the floor and was utterly embarrassed. A couple years later, I was having at it while waiting for my Dad to finish a project elsewhere in the house. He walked in on me mid stroke, apologized, but I brushed it off, pulled up my pants, and went on with the project we were working on. I’m sure I’ve had neighbors spot me as well, and there have been several times when someone’s nearly walked in on me. Needless to say, the point is that it’s happened before and it’s not the end of the world, even if I’d prefer to keep my masturbatory habits private.

The fact is, if Thor’s not home or definitively asleep, I do masturbate in the living room. I absolutely hate the idea of leaving traces all over the place, so I’m care to use a trashcan as a receptacle during orgasm and clean up nicely. I buy kleenex in bulk from Costco, but that has more to do with the fact I have a perennially stuffed up nose than my masturbation. Needless to say, I keep the place clean: no wall gunk; no carpet stains; no sticky pads of paper or glasses. It would be terribly rude otherwise. You know, now that I think about it, it would bother me tremendously if he read this. Oh well.

Let’s step back and talk about porn. When I say I’m going to be looking at porn, most people assume it’s raunchy, dirty stuff. One of my friends from high school refused to watch anything but softcore porn (no direct images of penetration or money shots), which I respect, since the acting is generally better and the women more idealized, but there’s a certain fakeness to it I can’t handle. Sure it arouses me, and I could probably get off, but there’s far more interesting things. Images of perfect women just seem to fake for me. I sit there and look at them and think about how much air brushing they had to do, or how they’re starving themselves to look that way, or how painful the breast augmentation surgery was. My mind doesn’t turn off. In fact, it interferes with my use of softcore and much of hardcore porn.

Erotic Art is Not PornographyIn the same way, when raunchy hardcore porn is laid in front of me, I start wondering how these women are being demeaned. Sure, they’re getting paid and it’s usually they’re choice, but why the hell would they pose like that? It’s simply unattractive. As seen in the picture on the right, women can be both sexy, sensual, and also be portrayed in an artistic manner. I don’t want to stare at some girl or woman laying there spreading her lips and sneering at me. It’s just not attractive to me. Obviously, the porn industry is not necessarily a bad thing, but there’s a point where I stop observing and the sociologist in me starts.

Well last night, after my roommate had retired, I got the urge to take myself in hand. I started sifting through photographs I had found via Fark. After about 15 minutes of working at it (usually, if I really want to, I can get off in 2-3), I realized that there were a number of pictures that were just setting my mind off. I couldn’t finish. I just stopped and started thinking instead. It’s not the first time this has happened, but it distinctly makes me realize that I have a hierarchy of porn (from most useful to least):

  1. Memory/Fantasy – thinking about actual previous experiences or possible ones with people I’m attracted to. No matter what, this has never failed me.
  2. Tasteful Pictures – I can appreciate the artistic value and don’t think about the sociological ramifications.
  3. Amateur film – a big issue for me is augmentation. The allure of girls gone wild and those types of films is that these are real women, not porn stars. The women aren’t perfect in every way, so I stop thinking about that.
  4. Tasteful Films – surprisingly enough, the sound is what does it for me. Human are distinctly visual, but more and more I find that sounds and smells do more for me than the visuals do.
  5. Everything Else – quite frankly, anything else and it’s not doing it for me.

There are plenty of other things that bother me about masturbation. I hate looking at my penis in my hands. Even though I know I’m above average in length, my hands are so big, that my penis appears small. Speaking of size, how come men and women receive different stats on average penis size? Men are generally told 4-6″ while women 5″-7″. Is it supposed to make guys feel better thinking they’re above average? If you look closely, most porn stars are short. Most of the men especially, since it makes their penis look bigger. A 5’5″ guy with an 8″ penis makes it look 12″ in comparison. That’s just smart marketing.

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  • Speaking as someone who’s only experience with the male psyche regarding porn involved solely hentai, thank you for that. I appreciate it.

  • Speaking as someone who’s only experience with the male psyche regarding porn involved solely hentai, thank you for that. I appreciate it.

  • No problem. Hentai doesn’t do it for me either. I mean, tenticle porn? Good god. The only reason why I could even begin to see the appeal is in the fact that when animated, film has the ability go places reality does not, for instance werewolf like sex changes, disproportional size, exotic locale, and supernatural beings. Not my cup of tea, thank you very much.

  • No problem. Hentai doesn’t do it for me either. I mean, tenticle porn? Good god. The only reason why I could even begin to see the appeal is in the fact that when animated, film has the ability go places reality does not, for instance werewolf like sex changes, disproportional size, exotic locale, and supernatural beings. Not my cup of tea, thank you very much.

  • MARRY ME!

  • MARRY ME!

  • sounds like you could use a sex filter, too. *wink*

    i totally understand what you’re saying as far as sound goes. pictures do not work for me, at all. i really rarely find anything with a sound that does, either, so sometimes i’ll read a story or two, then close my eyes and imagine the rest, or something like that.

    even while having sex, noises are a big factor. i’m glad i’m not the only one.

  • sounds like you could use a sex filter, too. *wink*

    i totally understand what you’re saying as far as sound goes. pictures do not work for me, at all. i really rarely find anything with a sound that does, either, so sometimes i’ll read a story or two, then close my eyes and imagine the rest, or something like that.

    even while having sex, noises are a big factor. i’m glad i’m not the only one.

  • Hentai I couldn’t masturbate too. But I’d have to say if I was thinking of the “sexist” kind of cartoons, it would be anime.

    But any guys who had some kind of anime/hentai fetish would kind of creep me out.

  • Hentai I couldn’t masturbate too. But I’d have to say if I was thinking of the “sexist” kind of cartoons, it would be anime.

    But any guys who had some kind of anime/hentai fetish would kind of creep me out.

  • No sex filter. I don’t filter my stuff for my sake. I only filter when I’m either asked to by someone involved in the story or when I don’t think it’s something I should talk about publicly. I see no reason to filter my sex life. Thousands of like-minded geeks might actually think I’m getting some.

    With sound, it’s merely setting the scene. Music plays as big a role as sound effects and the like. Once you have sound, it’s just easier to imagine being there. Even with pictures, imagination plays a big role. Half the time, I’ll look at a picture or film and close my eyes to let imagination take me the rest of the way. If the picture isn’t something I can see being anything but staged, then it does me no good.

  • No sex filter. I don’t filter my stuff for my sake. I only filter when I’m either asked to by someone involved in the story or when I don’t think it’s something I should talk about publicly. I see no reason to filter my sex life. Thousands of like-minded geeks might actually think I’m getting some.

    With sound, it’s merely setting the scene. Music plays as big a role as sound effects and the like. Once you have sound, it’s just easier to imagine being there. Even with pictures, imagination plays a big role. Half the time, I’ll look at a picture or film and close my eyes to let imagination take me the rest of the way. If the picture isn’t something I can see being anything but staged, then it does me no good.

  • But I haven’t even gotten to serenade you yet, or sneak into your home and fill it with flowers while your at work, or throw rocks at your window to get you to come take a midnight triste throught the warm summer air!?!? I think perhaps, we should pick out a floral china pattern for the wedding first. Hit me up on AIM and we’ll scout some locations out, but no rushing.

  • But I haven’t even gotten to serenade you yet, or sneak into your home and fill it with flowers while your at work, or throw rocks at your window to get you to come take a midnight triste throught the warm summer air!?!? I think perhaps, we should pick out a floral china pattern for the wedding first. Hit me up on AIM and we’ll scout some locations out, but no rushing.

  • I guess hentai would be sexist, but on the other hand there are more strong female roles in anime than in American animation. So bascially, what do you mean by sexist?

  • I guess hentai would be sexist, but on the other hand there are more strong female roles in anime than in American animation. So bascially, what do you mean by sexist?

  • What do you want for a tattoo? (omfg my first comment isn’t about teh porno!!!1)

    As a woman living with a guy who has the most ridiculous porn she has ever SEEN (that is sometimes RIGHT ON THE DESKTOP. On occasion AS A BACKGROUND) I can appreciate what you just wrote. That’s nice to know that not all men find twig-like women with DDD breasts ideal. The fact that you can acting think with your mind AND your dick at the same time is a rare attribute.

    In fact, you could probably use that explanation to sleep with 90% of women. “omf mister sensitive!!!1 u r so hot u thibk whiel horny!!!11eleven”

    (I apologize, today was Retarded day here in Pensacola and everyone I ran into was a raging moron. Therefore, all degrading comments I make are delivered in AOLer-speak.)

  • What do you want for a tattoo? (omfg my first comment isn’t about teh porno!!!1)

    As a woman living with a guy who has the most ridiculous porn she has ever SEEN (that is sometimes RIGHT ON THE DESKTOP. On occasion AS A BACKGROUND) I can appreciate what you just wrote. That’s nice to know that not all men find twig-like women with DDD breasts ideal. The fact that you can acting think with your mind AND your dick at the same time is a rare attribute.

    In fact, you could probably use that explanation to sleep with 90% of women. “omf mister sensitive!!!1 u r so hot u thibk whiel horny!!!11eleven”

    (I apologize, today was Retarded day here in Pensacola and everyone I ran into was a raging moron. Therefore, all degrading comments I make are delivered in AOLer-speak.)

  • I want an owl with outstretched wings perched on the tip of a cresent man on the moon for the tattoo. It can’t be too complex, though, cause it has to be small.

    Trust me, the sensitive guy shtick doesn’t work when you’re actually a sensitive guy and can’t bring yourself to sleep with the girl. It actually backfires. The percentage of women out of my good friends with is just scary to me.

  • I want an owl with outstretched wings perched on the tip of a cresent man on the moon for the tattoo. It can’t be too complex, though, cause it has to be small.

    Trust me, the sensitive guy shtick doesn’t work when you’re actually a sensitive guy and can’t bring yourself to sleep with the girl. It actually backfires. The percentage of women out of my good friends with is just scary to me.

  • Not to mention, the whole, “Oh I’m so sensitive and considerate (because I really want to get in your pants)” schtick is so creepy and sleazy and see-through, and such a turn-off compared to a guy who’s just like, “Yes, I’m human, I like sex, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be an asshole about it.”

    Anyway, I’m always curious about how boys masturbate and what they think about it (seeing as I have no personal experience to draw on), so thanks for this. 🙂

    How was Jitterbug Perfume? I’ve read a couple of other books by Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker, which I loved, and Fierce Invalids… which I was less impressed by but still enjoyed) and I’m always meaning to read more, but I’m not sure where to start.

  • Not to mention, the whole, “Oh I’m so sensitive and considerate (because I really want to get in your pants)” schtick is so creepy and sleazy and see-through, and such a turn-off compared to a guy who’s just like, “Yes, I’m human, I like sex, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be an asshole about it.”

    Anyway, I’m always curious about how boys masturbate and what they think about it (seeing as I have no personal experience to draw on), so thanks for this. 🙂

    How was Jitterbug Perfume? I’ve read a couple of other books by Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker, which I loved, and Fierce Invalids… which I was less impressed by but still enjoyed) and I’m always meaning to read more, but I’m not sure where to start.

  • I think he meant to say “sexiest” rather than “sexist” … Although it’s an interesting freudian slip. Heh.

    I have to admit (despite the fact that it is often quite sexist, if nothing else than just in the sheer disproportionality of the characters’ bodies – but that’s stock cartooning for ya) … I’m into the anime stuff. Not in an obsessive way, and not the creepy tentacle-porn furry-sex stuff, but just y’know … cute anime chicks getting it on kinda thing. I think maybe for some of the same reasons – Whenever I’m looking at photographic porn I just can’t forget the fact that these are normal people, with families and problems and dayjobs and clothes, and I find myself wondering what they were thinking while they were doing this, how they feel about it, the politics of porn, etc etc… Whereas, with animated stuff, or drawings/paintings (<3 Olivia's cheesecake stuff or Wicked Wanda for example), or stories, it’s just a fantasy.

    Also, for some reason, I just find most photographic porn boring. *shrug* Of course there’s some really cool, beautiful erotic photo art out there – but it doesn’t usually do it for me on a sexual level, I just like the way it looks.

  • I think he meant to say “sexiest” rather than “sexist” … Although it’s an interesting freudian slip. Heh.

    I have to admit (despite the fact that it is often quite sexist, if nothing else than just in the sheer disproportionality of the characters’ bodies – but that’s stock cartooning for ya) … I’m into the anime stuff. Not in an obsessive way, and not the creepy tentacle-porn furry-sex stuff, but just y’know … cute anime chicks getting it on kinda thing. I think maybe for some of the same reasons – Whenever I’m looking at photographic porn I just can’t forget the fact that these are normal people, with families and problems and dayjobs and clothes, and I find myself wondering what they were thinking while they were doing this, how they feel about it, the politics of porn, etc etc… Whereas, with animated stuff, or drawings/paintings (<3 Olivia's cheesecake stuff or Wicked Wanda for example), or stories, it’s just a fantasy.

    Also, for some reason, I just find most photographic porn boring. *shrug* Of course there’s some really cool, beautiful erotic photo art out there – but it doesn’t usually do it for me on a sexual level, I just like the way it looks.

  • Jitterbug Perfume was great. It was a really wierd book, and the introductoryh section was horrendously written, but once you’re actually into the book, it’s enthralling. Tom Robbins seems odd to me because on the one hand, he uses this verbose vocabulary that almost talks down to you if you don’t know what the words mean. Besides the forgein language bits, only once did I find a word I had to look up. On the other hand, he makes a slew of banal pop culture references that indicate that he’s an every day guy. If you spend any time with me, you’d realize that while my vocabulary isn’t quite as expansive as his, I am in many ways similar due to my pop culture knowledge.

    The contrast of the two really worked for me, and though none of the ideas in the book seemed necessarily original, since they have since been copied in things I’ve already read, I thought it was a tremendous book. I do wish he was a little less grandiloquent and more straight forward in his telling, but at least he’s not Hemmingway.

  • Jitterbug Perfume was great. It was a really wierd book, and the introductoryh section was horrendously written, but once you’re actually into the book, it’s enthralling. Tom Robbins seems odd to me because on the one hand, he uses this verbose vocabulary that almost talks down to you if you don’t know what the words mean. Besides the forgein language bits, only once did I find a word I had to look up. On the other hand, he makes a slew of banal pop culture references that indicate that he’s an every day guy. If you spend any time with me, you’d realize that while my vocabulary isn’t quite as expansive as his, I am in many ways similar due to my pop culture knowledge.

    The contrast of the two really worked for me, and though none of the ideas in the book seemed necessarily original, since they have since been copied in things I’ve already read, I thought it was a tremendous book. I do wish he was a little less grandiloquent and more straight forward in his telling, but at least he’s not Hemmingway.

  • My issue with anime being sexist is how stereotypically some of the women are portrayed. You get these images of demure, submissive women which gets some guys off, but, as I said in my other post, I’m not into submissive women. I want a strong woman, and the way these stereotypes are emphasized in animation bothers me.

    You take a look at what’s been done with pin-up doll Betty Paige, she was usually portrayed in BDSM gear (an image of strength) or at the very least witha look in her eyes of knowledge and experience. That, to me, is far more attractive than the knock-kneed, panty around thier ankles, leaning away from the camera poses that around traditionally found in anime and eartern porn. The submissive stylings merely give me the sense that I’m looking at girls, not women, which in turn disgusts me due to possibility that if I were aroused, I might be a pedophile. I can’t stand that thought, or the thought that imagry like that may be cultivating pedophilia and rape fantasies, even if they aren’t ever carried out by the men thinking them. I have no problem with the legality of porn, but you have to draw the line when it might be detrimental to societal health.

    Lastly, I’d like to point out that in BDSM, the submissive is always the one truly in control because they have to power to stop and say no or use the safe word at any time.

  • My issue with anime being sexist is how stereotypically some of the women are portrayed. You get these images of demure, submissive women which gets some guys off, but, as I said in my other post, I’m not into submissive women. I want a strong woman, and the way these stereotypes are emphasized in animation bothers me.

    You take a look at what’s been done with pin-up doll Betty Paige, she was usually portrayed in BDSM gear (an image of strength) or at the very least witha look in her eyes of knowledge and experience. That, to me, is far more attractive than the knock-kneed, panty around thier ankles, leaning away from the camera poses that around traditionally found in anime and eartern porn. The submissive stylings merely give me the sense that I’m looking at girls, not women, which in turn disgusts me due to possibility that if I were aroused, I might be a pedophile. I can’t stand that thought, or the thought that imagry like that may be cultivating pedophilia and rape fantasies, even if they aren’t ever carried out by the men thinking them. I have no problem with the legality of porn, but you have to draw the line when it might be detrimental to societal health.

    Lastly, I’d like to point out that in BDSM, the submissive is always the one truly in control because they have to power to stop and say no or use the safe word at any time.