My God, Man! Take Yourself In Hand!
WARNING: The following section contains graphic nudity, adult themes, sexual situations, and in depth discussion of masturbation, pornography, and my personal sexual habits. For those of you who don’t want to see what’s contained herein, but are still interested in why I’m discussing these topics, I’m not really sure. I guess there are many kinds of urges men like me have to deal with. I highly recommend you consider this warning before continuing.
I have the unfortunate situation that my computer, and therefore my link to pornography, is in my living room. My room is by far too small to contain my desk and my bed, making keeping it in a public space a necessity. Sure, I could buy magazines and place them strategically throughout the house, but I’m not a magazine kind of guy anymore. When I had a subscription to Playboy, I actually read the articles when I was done with the pictures. The vast majority of magazines are just too raunchy for my tastes. I mean, I have no problem with specialized magazines like BDSM style ones, but I’ll touch on that later. Back to the computer in the living room. Obviously, I don’t want my roommate to come upstairs for a drink of water and walk past me while masturbating. Quite frankly, it’s embarrassing.
I’ve been caught before. I’m nearly definite that during my tour of duty at boarding school someone at least had suspicions, especially when I was doing it with my roommate sleeping in the bunk above me or across the room. My mother walked in on me when I was completely naked, watching a porn and masturbating. I collapsed to the floor and was utterly embarrassed. A couple years later, I was having at it while waiting for my Dad to finish a project elsewhere in the house. He walked in on me mid stroke, apologized, but I brushed it off, pulled up my pants, and went on with the project we were working on. I’m sure I’ve had neighbors spot me as well, and there have been several times when someone’s nearly walked in on me. Needless to say, the point is that it’s happened before and it’s not the end of the world, even if I’d prefer to keep my masturbatory habits private.
The fact is, if Thor’s not home or definitively asleep, I do masturbate in the living room. I absolutely hate the idea of leaving traces all over the place, so I’m care to use a trashcan as a receptacle during orgasm and clean up nicely. I buy kleenex in bulk from Costco, but that has more to do with the fact I have a perennially stuffed up nose than my masturbation. Needless to say, I keep the place clean: no wall gunk; no carpet stains; no sticky pads of paper or glasses. It would be terribly rude otherwise. You know, now that I think about it, it would bother me tremendously if he read this. Oh well.
Let’s step back and talk about porn. When I say I’m going to be looking at porn, most people assume it’s raunchy, dirty stuff. One of my friends from high school refused to watch anything but softcore porn (no direct images of penetration or money shots), which I respect, since the acting is generally better and the women more idealized, but there’s a certain fakeness to it I can’t handle. Sure it arouses me, and I could probably get off, but there’s far more interesting things. Images of perfect women just seem to fake for me. I sit there and look at them and think about how much air brushing they had to do, or how they’re starving themselves to look that way, or how painful the breast augmentation surgery was. My mind doesn’t turn off. In fact, it interferes with my use of softcore and much of hardcore porn.
In the same way, when raunchy hardcore porn is laid in front of me, I start wondering how these women are being demeaned. Sure, they’re getting paid and it’s usually they’re choice, but why the hell would they pose like that? It’s simply unattractive. As seen in the picture on the right, women can be both sexy, sensual, and also be portrayed in an artistic manner. I don’t want to stare at some girl or woman laying there spreading her lips and sneering at me. It’s just not attractive to me. Obviously, the porn industry is not necessarily a bad thing, but there’s a point where I stop observing and the sociologist in me starts.
Well last night, after my roommate had retired, I got the urge to take myself in hand. I started sifting through photographs I had found via Fark. After about 15 minutes of working at it (usually, if I really want to, I can get off in 2-3), I realized that there were a number of pictures that were just setting my mind off. I couldn’t finish. I just stopped and started thinking instead. It’s not the first time this has happened, but it distinctly makes me realize that I have a hierarchy of porn (from most useful to least):
- Memory/Fantasy – thinking about actual previous experiences or possible ones with people I’m attracted to. No matter what, this has never failed me.
- Tasteful Pictures – I can appreciate the artistic value and don’t think about the sociological ramifications.
- Amateur film – a big issue for me is augmentation. The allure of girls gone wild and those types of films is that these are real women, not porn stars. The women aren’t perfect in every way, so I stop thinking about that.
- Tasteful Films – surprisingly enough, the sound is what does it for me. Human are distinctly visual, but more and more I find that sounds and smells do more for me than the visuals do.
- Everything Else – quite frankly, anything else and it’s not doing it for me.
There are plenty of other things that bother me about masturbation. I hate looking at my penis in my hands. Even though I know I’m above average in length, my hands are so big, that my penis appears small. Speaking of size, how come men and women receive different stats on average penis size? Men are generally told 4-6″ while women 5″-7″. Is it supposed to make guys feel better thinking they’re above average? If you look closely, most porn stars are short. Most of the men especially, since it makes their penis look bigger. A 5’5″ guy with an 8″ penis makes it look 12″ in comparison. That’s just smart marketing.