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Worldwide Ace » Women

Worldwide Ace

Because a true Ace is needed everywhere…

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28 August, 2003 (15:44) | Women

The one word that plagues all mankind (and I do mean MANkind, not humankind), is women. I guess it doesn’t plague all of mankind, since some of mankind like other mankind type people… and I guess I should go with humankind, since some of womankind like women too, but I digress.

Let me begin with make-up. DON’T WEAR IT! All day long I walk around campus trying to figure out if some of these girls want to get laid or buried. It looks like they’ve had they head splattered all over the pavement and Frederico, the post-traumatic death specialist, has done a terrific job putting their heads back together and covering up scarring with excess mascara, eye-shadow and lipstick. Don’t get me wrong, makeup can be done well (just look at the Hilton sisters… I mean RRRRROWWW!), but most of these college age freaks just don’t know what the words “too much” mean. By the BU bridge there’s a rock that gets painted once a week minimum with frat colors. Sometimes, it gets painted multiple times in the same day. I swear that rock is now twice as large thanks to all the layers of paint. Ladies, this is what you’ll look like, so stop now or pay the price.

So now that my biggest pet peeve is out of the way, let me begin with style issues. There are 6 basic types of girls on campus: the party girls, the eurotrash, the hippies, the jocks, the ski/beach bunnies, and the girls next door. I have no real gripe to pick with the girls next door since they’re generally just being themselves. Sometimes they fall under a certain style, but generally, they’re just cool. That’s the way it should be. Of course, you also have the minority styles (emo, punk, refined prude), but I’m just concentrating on the major ones.

So let’s begin with the party girls. These are the girls wearing skin tight clothes and showing more skin than a naked mole rat. Normally, I wouldn’t say that’s such a bad thing, but it seems so fucking superficial these days. Your supposed to waer less clothes when you’re trying to be more open, but these days, skimpy clothing is a barrier and a mask to hide behind. There’s no personality there, just sex and the desire for sex. It’s so hollow and lifeless… Subcategories of the party girl include: clubber, bikini, mini skirt…

Next up Eurotrash. Now sometimes this look can be pulled off tastefully and be extremely beautiful, but dark classes, cigarettes, waif-like forms and sweaters, generally in dark colors, pushes the limits of conformity. You find these types mainly in coffee shops, art houses, and anywhere where people can be looked at disdainfully and pompously. What it comes down to is the attitude. Long wool jackets and thigh high leather boots can be very sexy as long as the pomp is removed.

Hippies are another realm altogether. I can live with a peasant dress or two, but simplicity to the extent that stains can’t be seen against the earthy tones of everything natural. I have a great deal of respect for those people who refuse to wear furnd the like due to ethical reasons, but for fashion? Come on…

Ok, well I guess I can’t really complain about everything, since I find those of the jock persuasion sexy as hell. I like a girl who’s in shape… which is why I’m so out of shape… But if you’re gonna wear sporty crap, use it for sporty things. Go to the gym to work out, not to gab and watch the cute guys who’ve come to show off their muscles and are probably gay anyway.

Moving on, Ski/Beach Bunnies are a new breed. Sun dresses, bleached hair, intense tans… these girls look like California +2. If Baywatch were having tryouts, these are the girls who would be rejected for not having big enough breasts or for not being good looking enough (this is ignoring they’re acting talent which is evident their superficiality). I guess it could be worse, but there are times when the bunnies border on party girls… so sad.

So, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve ruled out 80% of the female population based on superficiality and a lack of maturity. Of course, I would fall under the geek category anyway, hence all my female problems. Therefore, my issue is not only finding the right type of girl for me, but finding a girl who’s able to see that I’m a nice guy with a huge hands… didn’t think I was going there, did you? Well, I prefer not to discuss size cause either I’ll turn out below average which will be depressing, or I’ll turn out above average which will depress others. But I’ve rambled enough…