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Worldwide Ace » Allegorical Nonsense

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Allegorical Nonsense

3 November, 2002 (21:39) | Story

Tonight, I have a special lesson in mind. One that people may find hard to understand, possibly even offensive in nature. You see, when discussing sensitive matters, it’s sometimes better to beat around the bush. Be forewarned that this story is awkward and can be taken the wrong way. In fact, pleased take it the wrong way, but don’t hold it against me if you do and don’t like it.

And so, I give you:

The Allegory of Jimmy’s Magical Balls.

Once upon a time, in a land far off in another part of the world, a young man was coming of age. His name was Jimmy.

Jimmy’s family, finding Jimmy’s interests changing, started to prepare Jimmy for his new life as an adult. They taught him about women and about responsibility. They showed him new arts like poetry, and new skills like pick-up lines. They gave him alcohol and taught him the merits and downfalls of drugs. On top of all this, they gave him some gifts to help him in his manhood.

As was the custom in Jimmy’s culture, the most special and most important of these gifts were his magical balls. The magic in the balls was the fact that they mimicked Jimmy’s emotions. When he was happy, they were warm. When he was excited, they jiggled up and down. When he was cold, they huddled close to him, shivering.

Jimmy’s father sat him down and used terrible and unintelligible stories to try and explain what these balls were for. They didn’t seem to do anything except mimic his emotions, leaving Jimmy with no idea of their practical use. And though his father did not explain it clearly, Jimmy found out that his balls were there to help him think for himself.

See, Jimmy’s balls would sometimes exhibit the wrong emotion at the wrong time. Jimmy didn’t want them to be excited when Jimmy was sitting in math class. He certainly didn’t want them to get excited when at a family picnic with his brothers and sisters. Every time they got excited, Jimmy wanted to play with them. Quite frankly, Jimmy felt his balls were personal, and showing someone how his balls felt, and hence how he felt, should be saved for special occasions.

Over the next few years, Jimmy’s balls got used to being near Jimmy. They stopped getting excited at strange times. On top of this, Jimmy met a girl named Kitty, with whom he became very close. Eventually, after several months, Jimmy showed Kitty his balls. Kitty was a little nervous at first, but Jimmy’s balls warmed up to Kitty right away, and soon, she was playing with them regularly.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. Jimmy and Kitty got in a fight. Jimmy stopped letting Kitty play with his balls, and Kitty refused to see them. Jimmy was depressed. He couldn’t fathom living without Kitty. Much like in our society, Jimmy began to eat to take away the pain. Soon, Jimmy was so fat, none of the girls wanted to play with him.

The problem wasn’t just that Jimmy was lonely, it was that his balls were lonely too. His balls stopped getting excited and playing nicely. After 2 and 1/2 years, Jimmy’s balls became angry at Jimmy’s lack of a social life. Soon, they were causing Jimmy pain. Jimmy’s balls were sad, because Jimmy was the only one who would play with them. They were so sad, they began to change color. Jimmy’s balls turned blue.

There is a moral here. A very important one to men in this day and age. You shouldn’t always listen to your balls, but you should listen when they are causing you pain and turning blue. Thank you.